Bids for Love (lesson 7)

If you are ever looking for something to read, I suggest reading Seven principles for making marriage work by John Gottman, it is amazing, and gives you so many new ways to look at your marriage.

           Ok! now to talk serious, this week we read a chapter in the book I mention above, and it was all about turning towards your spouse and not away from them. In this chapter Dr. Gottman talks about how we as human beings do something called “bids for attention.” I think a simpler way to put it is drop hints. I hope I am not alone in dropping hints, or bidding for attention because I know that I definitely do this. In the book Dr. Gottman gives the example of his wife grumbling something as she was taking the laundry out of the dryer, he says this was her bidding for attention. He as a husband had the choice to either ignore the bid, or take it. In this case he took it and asked her what she had said and she responded with something like you know I really don’t like folding the laundry, to which his response was I love being able to mindless tasks and help out, here let me. He continued by saying they ended up listening to jazz music together while they folded the clothes together, which reminded them of a jazz club that they liked to go to, so they went for dinner and ended up having a great night together. I loved this story! Granted not every bid you take is going to end up that nicely, but it makes me want to have the goal to be a better wife and be more in tune to my husband’s bids that he gives me.

 I think taking more of my husband’s bid will help our overall happiness level in our home and marriage. One that I see him give me him asking what my plans are for the night, I know when he asks this, he has something in mind already, whether it is something that he is wanting to do himself or something he wants us to do together. Why I don’t ask him what he has planned every time he says this to me, I’ll never know. I hate to admit it but I don’t take the bid every time, and I’ll just shrug and say I don’t know. That’s not the shameful part though, the issue is that we will have that conversation and I’ll say I don’t know then get upset later if he isn’t stepping up to my expectation of the evening, or…. what I did indeed actually have planned for the evening.

I am inspired by this week’s readings to try and take more of my husband’s bids, but to also be more honest with him about my bids. I think it will make a huge difference when I say what I mean and I what I am really feeling, without hoping that he will just figure out what I want.