Cherish your Spouse (lesson 6)

Marriage comes with so much joy and love, but it also comes with lots and lots of sacrifice. You have to take your life which up until this point has been all about you, and share it with another person. That may sound selfish and you may think “no I’m not like that, I think of others,” I am not saying that you are not considerate of other people, but your main focus in your life is probably your plans, and your goals. When you get married one of the huge sacrifices is that you have to turn the “I, Me and My” into “Us, We and Our.”  It can be an extremely hard transition; I know that for my husband and I we are still working on it. It can be difficult to take two lives and turn them into one, and turn them into a life that you want them to be. I know that my husband and I have had many of the conversations that sound like, “I know that it is not very important to you, but it is important to me.” I think that is a huge sacrifice once you are married, taking interest and doing the things that are important and fun to your spouse that you may not particularly like to do. It is a learning curve and the main thing that I can think of to help this transition is be willing. Be willing to try the things that your spouse likes, and be willing and open to the idea of the new. New ways of doing things, new ways to learn and to grow. Be open to those new things and be open to making it yours as a couple. Also remember that contempt can easily slip in and when that happens Gottman suggests “the key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get into the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate, And then let your partner know what you observed.” Another suggestion is to be willing to compromise and make traditions that are unique to you, that is how you will take two completely separate lives that grew up in different ways and create a new dynamic that is beautiful and unique.

I know that in my marriage when the fire has started to dwindle a little bit taking a step back and finding something to appreciate, or working through how we can compromise something into one thing it has always been worth it and has always strengthened us in the end.

Make Marriage Work (Lesson 5)

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is all about marriage, right? Well it is that but it is also all about friendship. How is it that marriage is so happy and successful you marry your best friend that’s how? Something that I have always thought best friend duo’s have is that of unconditional forgiveness. It seems that they are willing to forgive and forget in the blink of an eye. In Gottman’s book he talks a lot about the different way’s friendship can build and help when conflict arises. When we have a friendship-based marriage, we tend to be able to have another way of looking at our relationship, it is not a relationship solely based on puppy love, it is built with trust, goofiness, adventure, and forgiveness. “In the strongest marriages husband and wives share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just get along-they also support each other hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together. That is really what I mean when I talk about honoring and respecting each other. Very often a marriage(s) failure to do this is what causes husband and wife to find themselves in endless, useless, rounds of argument or to feel isolated and lonely in their marriage.”(John M. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)  I think that is what marrying your best friend works so well. I know that in my marriage it would be extremely difficult to keep things together if I wasn’t able to be funny and laugh and play with my husband. It adds a different element to our marriage that we wouldn’t have otherwise, I also think that it helps keep the base stable elements of marriage glued together. My husband is an extremely playful person, he likes to goof off, he also loves nerf guns. That was one of his valentine’s day gifts to me, my own nerf gun that matched his. Since that anniversary I have been shot while I was sleeping, when I come home from work, while I’m making dinner, doing homework, basically anytime anywhere is free game. I am not as fun as my husband. I will admit that upfront, and I tell you this because there are times when he shoots me with that gun that I laugh and run and grab the other one to get him back, but there are other times that he shoots and I give him the death glare and tell him to stop. Those times that I don’t participate I can see a light dim in his eyes, and it makes me think whether or not it is worth it to be upset and not take a few minutes of my day to have fun with him. I have recently come to the conclusion that it is not worth it. I don’t want to be the wife that sucks all the energy and fun in life away from her best friend. It has been a work in progress, but one of my more recent goals is to remember my inner child and take some time to simply play.

Marriage contracts (lesson 4)

This last week in my marriage studies we were asked to read a couple of different talks, one of those talks was Covenant marriage, by Bruce C. Hafen who was a member of the quorum of the seventy Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He gave this particular talk back in 1996, but it is still incredibly relevant for our day.  In this talk he makes a point of not letting our marriages simply become contracts. Which I believe that there is a legal part to marriage that is a contract, but he is encouraging us to make our marriages more than that. Realize that when we are married, we are working with that person to reach heaven again. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints, we believe that we will be able to live and be with our sweetheart for eternity. Only if we remain true to covenants, we make in the temples. When we are married in the temple, we make a covenant, to heavenly father, and to our spouse. Elder David A. Bednar talks about being married in the temple and how traditional marriage is important, he says “More recently the devil has attempted to combine and legally validate confusion about gender and marriage. As we look beyond mortality and into eternity, it is easy to discern that the counterfeit alternatives the adversary advocates can never lead to the completeness that is made possible through the sealing together of a man and a woman, to the happiness of righteous marriage, to the joy of posterity, or to the blessing of eternal progression.” Getting to eternity can be a lot of hard work, and as we have talked before sometimes it doesn’t work out the way that we have planned. However, there are somethings that we can do in order to give ourselves a little help in our relationships. One of the things that I try is to always find something to be grateful for about my spouse, and some days this is incredibly hard when they are just driving you up a wall. I promise it will catch them off guard if things are a little tense between you two and then you just pipe up and say something like “you know I’m thankful that you went to work for us today and worked hard while you were there.” It helps you remember to appreciate the little things, and it helps them know that you recognize what they are doing. Another thing that is a fun thing to add to your marriage, is keeping the honeymoon phase alive, that is easier said than done but sometimes all it takes is leaving cute little notes around the house for your spouse to find. The last thing that I would mention is to never forget God. He is the reason we are here, and here together with our sweethearts. Make sure we put him first in our day, then as we get closer to him individually we get closer together as a couple. 

Have a Happy Day! 

Defenders of Marriage (lesson 3)

“Let us help build the kingdom of God by standing up boldly and being defenders of marriage, parenthood, and the home.” Bonnie L. Oscarson

Traditional marriage is seen as marriage between a man and a woman. It has been like that since the beginning of time. However, as a society we have decided to change that, and go against the normal. In the first place we as a society adopted acceptance of cohabitation over being married first to now, even marrying their same gender. This way of marriage is not the natural or traditional way of marriage. When the supreme court ruled in same-sex marriages’ favor they said “The lifelong union of a man and a woman always has promised nobility and dignity to all persons, without regard to their station in life. Marriage is sacred to those who live by their religions and offers unique fulfillment to those who find meaning in the secular realm. Its dynamic allows two people to find a life that could not be found alone, for a marriage becomes greater than just the two persons. Rising from the most basic human needs, marriage is essential to our most profound hopes and aspirations.” I think that they said it perfectly “marriage is essential to our most profound hopes and aspirations.”

 If you value the traditional marriage, and want to preserve it. How is it that you can protect, teach about the importance of a traditional marriage? One thing that you can do is defend marriage on social media. If you hold a youth calling or work with youth, you can show them how you value marriage and teach them the importance of marriage. There are many children who are living in single parent homes, working with them and simply talking with them, being a friend that they can confide in. There are many ways that we can defend marriage, each one is a step closer to a certain kind of fulfillment.