Pride (Lesson 8)

Pride is one of those things that we all fight. President Ezra Taft Benson gave a wonderful talk titled “Beware of Pride” in that talk he states “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.” This definition of pride took me back, and humbled me a little bit. I am so guilty of those feelings, of being hostile or in a state of opposition. How many times in marriage do we look at the way our husband is doing something and tell him that he is doing it wrong, or we feel like our way is better and we aren’t open to other possibilities.

 Let me tell you a story about my husband and I. We had been married about four months when one Sunday after coming home from dinner at my parents’ house my husband says you know I really prefer my family’s mashed potatoes over yours. I thought that was incredibly rude because I was the one in my family that makes the mashed potatoes, and I had them down to perfection at my house. I was known for my potatoes, and here my new husband was telling me that he thought they were bland and dry. Potatoes are not a big deal, right? In fact, they have absolutely nothing to do with marriage or pride, but here I was letting my pride of my potatoes drive a little wedge into our marriage. In the end we talked about what he liked more in his potatoes and I explained how I felt about my potatoes. We ended up deciding that neither of the families were that great. We put our heads together and made our own mashed potatoes recipe that is perfect to us. In fact, we made a date night out of it, we boiled a pot and then split it up, then mashed them up in a variety of ways. It was a quirky date night but remains one of my favorites to date.

In the talk mentioned earlier, president Benson also says “The proud stand more in fear of men’s judgment than of God’s judgment. (See D&C 3:6–7; D&C 30:1–2; D&C 60:2.) “What will men think of me?” weighs heavier than “What will God think of me?” When we are wondering how others view us instead of how Heavenly Father views us we are falling into the sin of pride. This week has made me want to improve my life in this aspect. To not worry so much about what others think, and to worry more about what my Heavenly Father thinks.

Bids for Love (lesson 7)

If you are ever looking for something to read, I suggest reading Seven principles for making marriage work by John Gottman, it is amazing, and gives you so many new ways to look at your marriage.

           Ok! now to talk serious, this week we read a chapter in the book I mention above, and it was all about turning towards your spouse and not away from them. In this chapter Dr. Gottman talks about how we as human beings do something called “bids for attention.” I think a simpler way to put it is drop hints. I hope I am not alone in dropping hints, or bidding for attention because I know that I definitely do this. In the book Dr. Gottman gives the example of his wife grumbling something as she was taking the laundry out of the dryer, he says this was her bidding for attention. He as a husband had the choice to either ignore the bid, or take it. In this case he took it and asked her what she had said and she responded with something like you know I really don’t like folding the laundry, to which his response was I love being able to mindless tasks and help out, here let me. He continued by saying they ended up listening to jazz music together while they folded the clothes together, which reminded them of a jazz club that they liked to go to, so they went for dinner and ended up having a great night together. I loved this story! Granted not every bid you take is going to end up that nicely, but it makes me want to have the goal to be a better wife and be more in tune to my husband’s bids that he gives me.

 I think taking more of my husband’s bid will help our overall happiness level in our home and marriage. One that I see him give me him asking what my plans are for the night, I know when he asks this, he has something in mind already, whether it is something that he is wanting to do himself or something he wants us to do together. Why I don’t ask him what he has planned every time he says this to me, I’ll never know. I hate to admit it but I don’t take the bid every time, and I’ll just shrug and say I don’t know. That’s not the shameful part though, the issue is that we will have that conversation and I’ll say I don’t know then get upset later if he isn’t stepping up to my expectation of the evening, or…. what I did indeed actually have planned for the evening.

I am inspired by this week’s readings to try and take more of my husband’s bids, but to also be more honest with him about my bids. I think it will make a huge difference when I say what I mean and I what I am really feeling, without hoping that he will just figure out what I want.

Cherish your Spouse (lesson 6)

Marriage comes with so much joy and love, but it also comes with lots and lots of sacrifice. You have to take your life which up until this point has been all about you, and share it with another person. That may sound selfish and you may think “no I’m not like that, I think of others,” I am not saying that you are not considerate of other people, but your main focus in your life is probably your plans, and your goals. When you get married one of the huge sacrifices is that you have to turn the “I, Me and My” into “Us, We and Our.”  It can be an extremely hard transition; I know that for my husband and I we are still working on it. It can be difficult to take two lives and turn them into one, and turn them into a life that you want them to be. I know that my husband and I have had many of the conversations that sound like, “I know that it is not very important to you, but it is important to me.” I think that is a huge sacrifice once you are married, taking interest and doing the things that are important and fun to your spouse that you may not particularly like to do. It is a learning curve and the main thing that I can think of to help this transition is be willing. Be willing to try the things that your spouse likes, and be willing and open to the idea of the new. New ways of doing things, new ways to learn and to grow. Be open to those new things and be open to making it yours as a couple. Also remember that contempt can easily slip in and when that happens Gottman suggests “the key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get into the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate, And then let your partner know what you observed.” Another suggestion is to be willing to compromise and make traditions that are unique to you, that is how you will take two completely separate lives that grew up in different ways and create a new dynamic that is beautiful and unique.

I know that in my marriage when the fire has started to dwindle a little bit taking a step back and finding something to appreciate, or working through how we can compromise something into one thing it has always been worth it and has always strengthened us in the end.

Make Marriage Work (Lesson 5)

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is all about marriage, right? Well it is that but it is also all about friendship. How is it that marriage is so happy and successful you marry your best friend that’s how? Something that I have always thought best friend duo’s have is that of unconditional forgiveness. It seems that they are willing to forgive and forget in the blink of an eye. In Gottman’s book he talks a lot about the different way’s friendship can build and help when conflict arises. When we have a friendship-based marriage, we tend to be able to have another way of looking at our relationship, it is not a relationship solely based on puppy love, it is built with trust, goofiness, adventure, and forgiveness. “In the strongest marriages husband and wives share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just get along-they also support each other hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together. That is really what I mean when I talk about honoring and respecting each other. Very often a marriage(s) failure to do this is what causes husband and wife to find themselves in endless, useless, rounds of argument or to feel isolated and lonely in their marriage.”(John M. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)  I think that is what marrying your best friend works so well. I know that in my marriage it would be extremely difficult to keep things together if I wasn’t able to be funny and laugh and play with my husband. It adds a different element to our marriage that we wouldn’t have otherwise, I also think that it helps keep the base stable elements of marriage glued together. My husband is an extremely playful person, he likes to goof off, he also loves nerf guns. That was one of his valentine’s day gifts to me, my own nerf gun that matched his. Since that anniversary I have been shot while I was sleeping, when I come home from work, while I’m making dinner, doing homework, basically anytime anywhere is free game. I am not as fun as my husband. I will admit that upfront, and I tell you this because there are times when he shoots me with that gun that I laugh and run and grab the other one to get him back, but there are other times that he shoots and I give him the death glare and tell him to stop. Those times that I don’t participate I can see a light dim in his eyes, and it makes me think whether or not it is worth it to be upset and not take a few minutes of my day to have fun with him. I have recently come to the conclusion that it is not worth it. I don’t want to be the wife that sucks all the energy and fun in life away from her best friend. It has been a work in progress, but one of my more recent goals is to remember my inner child and take some time to simply play.

Marriage contracts (lesson 4)

This last week in my marriage studies we were asked to read a couple of different talks, one of those talks was Covenant marriage, by Bruce C. Hafen who was a member of the quorum of the seventy Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He gave this particular talk back in 1996, but it is still incredibly relevant for our day.  In this talk he makes a point of not letting our marriages simply become contracts. Which I believe that there is a legal part to marriage that is a contract, but he is encouraging us to make our marriages more than that. Realize that when we are married, we are working with that person to reach heaven again. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints, we believe that we will be able to live and be with our sweetheart for eternity. Only if we remain true to covenants, we make in the temples. When we are married in the temple, we make a covenant, to heavenly father, and to our spouse. Elder David A. Bednar talks about being married in the temple and how traditional marriage is important, he says “More recently the devil has attempted to combine and legally validate confusion about gender and marriage. As we look beyond mortality and into eternity, it is easy to discern that the counterfeit alternatives the adversary advocates can never lead to the completeness that is made possible through the sealing together of a man and a woman, to the happiness of righteous marriage, to the joy of posterity, or to the blessing of eternal progression.” Getting to eternity can be a lot of hard work, and as we have talked before sometimes it doesn’t work out the way that we have planned. However, there are somethings that we can do in order to give ourselves a little help in our relationships. One of the things that I try is to always find something to be grateful for about my spouse, and some days this is incredibly hard when they are just driving you up a wall. I promise it will catch them off guard if things are a little tense between you two and then you just pipe up and say something like “you know I’m thankful that you went to work for us today and worked hard while you were there.” It helps you remember to appreciate the little things, and it helps them know that you recognize what they are doing. Another thing that is a fun thing to add to your marriage, is keeping the honeymoon phase alive, that is easier said than done but sometimes all it takes is leaving cute little notes around the house for your spouse to find. The last thing that I would mention is to never forget God. He is the reason we are here, and here together with our sweethearts. Make sure we put him first in our day, then as we get closer to him individually we get closer together as a couple. 

Have a Happy Day! 

Defenders of Marriage (lesson 3)

“Let us help build the kingdom of God by standing up boldly and being defenders of marriage, parenthood, and the home.” Bonnie L. Oscarson

Traditional marriage is seen as marriage between a man and a woman. It has been like that since the beginning of time. However, as a society we have decided to change that, and go against the normal. In the first place we as a society adopted acceptance of cohabitation over being married first to now, even marrying their same gender. This way of marriage is not the natural or traditional way of marriage. When the supreme court ruled in same-sex marriages’ favor they said “The lifelong union of a man and a woman always has promised nobility and dignity to all persons, without regard to their station in life. Marriage is sacred to those who live by their religions and offers unique fulfillment to those who find meaning in the secular realm. Its dynamic allows two people to find a life that could not be found alone, for a marriage becomes greater than just the two persons. Rising from the most basic human needs, marriage is essential to our most profound hopes and aspirations.” I think that they said it perfectly “marriage is essential to our most profound hopes and aspirations.”

 If you value the traditional marriage, and want to preserve it. How is it that you can protect, teach about the importance of a traditional marriage? One thing that you can do is defend marriage on social media. If you hold a youth calling or work with youth, you can show them how you value marriage and teach them the importance of marriage. There are many children who are living in single parent homes, working with them and simply talking with them, being a friend that they can confide in. There are many ways that we can defend marriage, each one is a step closer to a certain kind of fulfillment.

How to keep the honeymoon stage alive just a little bit longer (lesson 2)

The world is constantly changing around us. We are stuck in the middle of a society that is constantly evolving, coming out with the next best thing, and running to the next item on the check list. With this default lifestyle we often forget the things around us that matter the most to us. For example, our family. Now it is almost impossible to fully forget about your family because that is who and where you come from. However, with our busy schedules and fast paced style isn’t it incredibly easy to put our family on the back burner. Justify spending our time with little excuses like “they will always be there,” or “I just need to finish this before I play for the day.” What happens though when we lose that moment? Can we gain it back? It’s sad to think about how many opportunities we pass up with our family members because they are always around, they can wait. I want to talk today about something that should never be put on that back burner and that is our marriages. When a marriage gets put there it can easily end up burnt, as in divorce. Divorce is something that is all too common in the United states today. It affects almost every family in America.

            What can we do? When I was first married it seemed like things would never be hard, we would be able to with stand anything because we were just so in love. Well, let me tell you! That did not last forever, in fact I don’t think it even lasted a month. We had arguments and disagreements almost daily, but we both decided that was not how we wanted to live in our marriage so we decided to try some new things to help us out.

1.    Spend 10 mins of technology free time with each other. We picked a spot where we would sit together and simply talk, we are allowed to talk about anything except disagreements or arguments.

2.    Get ready for bed together. Something that I always had pictured I would do with my husband was get ready for bed with him and then talk about our day as we fell asleep, but for my husband that was never something he thought would happen. This one took us time to get into but has been where some of our silliest and happiest moments have been.

3.    Date! Going on dates, it reminds us what started it all in the first place. If I could recommend anything it would be to go on a variety of dates, try to do new things. Also, with this it is smart to have a set date night, and then to guard that date night with your life.

4.    Say prayer together morning and night. We are still working on this because sometimes we wake up at different times and our schedules do not always align but I have noticed when we are more consistent in our prayers together our lives are smoother, and we have a smoother relationship.

5.    Study the Scriptures together. This is another thing that we are working on making a habit. It surprises me how hard doing the simple spiritually things can be but when we encourage and do them together, they are so much easier and we have a lot more love in our hearts, for each other and for others.

These are just some simple things that have helped me and husband personally, hopefully something simple like this will be able help you strengthen your marriage for when tough times come up. Marriage is not always easy and divorce is something that has become a large part of many Americans lives. These are ideas and ways that my husband and I have decided together to try and prevent divorce from entering our marriage, I hope this helps you in one way or another.

Wholesome family recreation: Building strong families. (Chapter 22)

I LOVE this topic, love love love it. Hopefully I will be able to put my excitement into words so that you guys can share some of the love that I have for family activities. Family time is a time where magic happens, you are learning pretty much all of the skills of life when you are spending wholesome time with your family, you learn team work, how to work, communication, forgiveness, how to be sensitive, how to be observant and realize that there is more going on around you, and so much more. I had moments with my family and with my husbands family where I swear I caught a glimpse into what heaven is going to look like. Time with family is priceless, there may be better activities then others and better days than others but it is always worth it and there is always a lesson to be learned when spending time as a family. One of my favorite family activities was when my family went and hikes up to a hot spring ins Salmon Idaho, called Gold Bug. It was the best and we had the best of times up

there. The pictures in this post are from that day. We laughed together, got scared by some snakes together, swam together but I think the most important part of that day was talking about how beautiful gods creations are and how blessed we were to live in the world he created.

Yep, I think that family time is the best no matter what it is that you are doing together it is always a blast. The Book Successful marriages and families talks about wholesome recreational time as well, in there they share that humans beings naturally want the comfort and peace of ease and pleasure, but we can almost never satisfy that thirst. We are always looking for the next best thing, but then here is what they say in context to family activities. "activities requiring concerted effort can be considered less pleasurable than relaxing activities, and such less-pleasurable activities are not accompanied by a separable stream of positive emotion like most pleasurable activities. Rather, these activities often consist of total engagement and loss of self-­consciousness. Research suggests that feelings arising from overcoming challenges are rated as much more meaningful than pleasurable activities, such as watching television, which pale by comparison (Seligman, 2002)." Family time may make us learn a new skill or try something that we have never done before but research has showed us that we get a more satisfying feeling from overcoming those fears than we do a simply having pleasure at our finger tips. This is a lesson that I am constantly learning with my new family, they love sports I am not the biggest fan of playing sports but they get me off of my backside and encourage me to try new sports all the time, and in the end we always have a blast. So my challenge to you this time is to find a new activity one that you are not sure about something that you have wanted to try but have been to scared, then invite your family to join you and try it. Try a New family activity to give your family memories to hold forever! 

Repentance and forgiveness in Family life. (Chapter 20)

What happens when something is said or done to you that is very hurtful? What is it that you do personally? Why is it that heavenly father gave us the commandment to forgive all men and why must we do it 70X7 times that is only 490 can you imagine going through an entire life and only forgiving others 490 times and that was it, that was your limit. Thank goodness that is not the case. Personally I don't know if I could make it through a full week let a lone an entire life time! The book Successful marriages and families had a great chapter on this where they talked about how there are things that happen in a family daily that need to be forgiven or repented of. We all make minor mistakes but we also make major mistakes. If we as a family build up resentment by holding grudges about the little things that happen everyday then when something big happens that wedge can easily crack the relationships that we hold with other people. There are scientific reasons to forgive as well. This is what the book says about repentance and forgiveness being important and why we must use it in our family life. "Interpersonal repentance and forgiveness have obvious benefits in repairing or mediating damaged family relationships (Enright & Fitz­ gibbons, 2000). In addition, individuals and families who are able to forgive important transgressions are likely to have better emotional and physical health (Battle & Miller, 2005), and positive emotions improve health in a variety of ways" I think that is interesting that those who forgive are given the blessing of better emotional and physical health. It becomes a blessing to always try to forgive and repent of the things that we know we should be better about. Repentance and forgiveness works for you individually as a person as well, don't always beat yourself up about things that you should or want to be better at, that is something that I have had a struggle with in my new marriage to remember that we are both learning how to be married and even though my husband is a pretty close to perfect guy and is awesome he can irritate me like nobodies business, the thing is he knows me so well he knows where to push all the buttons, so learning to forgive him for those minor things make it so much easier to not be upset about other things like a miscommunication, or something I'm hinting at that he doesn't catch on to. The same goes for me I have to remind myself that I am not a perfect person and I cannot be the perfect little Betty Crocker Wife, it simply is not possible. However, because of the atonement of Jesus Christ I am able to forgive myself for my short comings and move forward into being a better person being the person that I want to become. Another Challenge for you guys, take a week and look around you at all the things that your family does that annoy you, then take a second and replace that with one thing that you are grateful for about them. It will help you to see them as God sees them, then after that take the time to ask forgiveness for being annoyed and repent. Just try it, it might work!

How prayer strengthens relationships in good times, and heal relationships in bad times.

Prayer is also something is asked about whether it helps a family grow closer together or not, i believe that it does, and that it gives the family that hope and help are ahead. I think that it is similar to faith, that we as a family feel the need for the spiritual connection and the love that it shows we have for each other. In the book successful marriages and families. They Quote President Thomas S. Monson, he shared a story about the advice given to him and his new wife on their wedding day, the advice given to them was this, "May I offer you newlyweds a formula which will ensure that any disagreement you may have will last no longer than one day? Every night kneel by the side of your bed. One night, Brother Monson, you offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. The next night you, Sister Monson, offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. I can then assure you that any misunderstanding that develops during the day will vanish as you pray. You simply can’t pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward one another (Monson, 2001, p. 4)." That was it, that sealer gave them the most simple formula to pray together every night. Now that is sometimes easier said then done, we get so caught up in life which make us a little more irritable, so i think the solution is prayer. As was said in this advice. It starts with a couple praying to the lord asking about the things they should be doing to strengthen the relationship that they have with each other and the relationship that they have with others around them. Then from there they are able to receive divine revelation to guide and direct their family in the best way. Prayer also helps safeguard you for when hard time come up the book also talks about this they said, "Conflict is a universal part of marriage. For many, unresolved contention eventually leads to the dissolution of the marriage. Prayer, however, can help protect couples from divorce by healing the relationship and restoring harmony to the marriage."I believe this to be true, even though it may not be the only way or solution to save a marriage it is a very good tool to have. I know that prayer will help strengthen but it will also help protect and guide families in a way that they are able to be better people. I have a challenge for you guys now at this time in your life make the effort to say constant and heartfelt prayers i promise that they will bless your life for years to come.

Faith in Family Life ( Chapter 18 )

"Readers should be aware that it is difficult, perhaps impossible, for social science to “prove” that faith “causes” stronger marriages or other family outcomes. It is reasonable to conclude, for example, that persons in a healthy marriage are more likely to want to attend church together than a couple who are facing divorce. So, does faith influence family or does family influence faith? The answer is almost certainly both—but in terms of social science, the best we can usually do is to discover and examine correlations, or relationships, between ideas, such as faith and the quality of family life." This is from the text book Successful marriages and families. This chapter of their book is about how having faith in a family setting makes it so that we become stronger family units that have a greater understanding of who we are and what our purpose is here on this earth. I believe that as we teach children to have faith and we teach them how to pray and to follow things like the commandments and council from religious leaders that we install a set of ethics in the child that they will live with for their entire life. As we do so we are able to raise up the next generation with confidence that they are going to work hard at making the world a better place. I am grateful for both my parents and my husbands parents for the examples that they have shown us and that they have given us the different tools to be raised in faith. They have instilled in us a love for the gospel or more simply put a love of life. We want to be the best that we can be and part of that motivation and desire comes from our faith in the lord Jesus Christ and in our eternal Heavenly Father. Our parents taught us that we can do all things through Christ and that if we follow his teachings then we will be a great light in the world.

Honor thy Father (Chapter 13)

Father's are special. I think that they are the strongest, bravest, most handsome superheros to children. I know that mine is. I love my dad, Growing up I was the classic daddy's girl, so much so sometimes i think i would hurt my moms feelings. I always wanted to be with dad see what he was doing or where he was going,  and I always knew that if I wanted something i would just have to ask my dad....I know isn't that terrible of me! My dad could do no wrong in my eyes and we were best friends. however there came a point in my life where I became a teenager, and I was independent (obviously, because I was paying rent, cooking, doing my own laundry, and providing for myself and everything, NOT ) I could drive however, and that made me feel like the most responsible person ever. I would have hated to admit it then, but I really wasn't all that big, i didn't know how to live on my own, or pay bills, or cook for every single meal, and i wish i could say that I realized that and that i treated my parents with the upmost respects, and  told them how grateful i was to them. Instead I took advantage, i would come home eat their food, leave and be out past my curfew. Now looking back I was not respectful to my parents at all. If for example I was out past curfew disobeying their rules and then they did something about it, by helping me remember to listen to them, i would mope and groan about everything that they were making me do. Luckily they still loved me, for who I
was and not how I was treating them. Our parents are constantly trying their best and they are doing so much for us as their children, we don't know the things that they have sacrificed for us, i know I can never repay for what they have done, but i can honor and respect them for it. When we show honor and respect to our parents they are more likely to better honor and respect our wishes as well. Fathers tend to like it more when we work hard for what we want/need. It shows them that they have been setting a good example with their providing. According to the book successful marriages and families, talking about fathers they quote."In essence, to provide in fathering is to assume the stewardship of meeting children’s needs and offering opportunities for their development, as well as dedicating one’s time, energy, and resources for the benefit of the next generation." That is a fathers goal overall, and when we show them that we honor them, listen to their council, it will show them that they are succeeding. I love my Dad and I hope that i can show him how grateful i am for all of the things that he has done!

Mothers as Nurturers (Chapter 12)

In the Family proclamation to the world released by the first presidency, it states that mothers are primarily responsibility for the nurture of their children. That is a huge thing to undertake! HUGE! I know that for me personally I want to be the best mother that I can be for my children and I know that I don't like to make mistakes, and I am sure that this is true for most mothers, we don't like to think that we did not do our very best, or that we are failures, something that I have realized is that we are not as big of failures as we think we are. One mother shared her own experience, in the book successful Marriages and Families, She said the following,
"Yesterday my husband called a little bit before lunchtime to check on how we were doing at home. The conversation was more brief than usual because he had a lunch appointment held at a nice restaurant near his office. But it was also interrupted because the toddler sitting at the table in his booster seat knocked a cup of apple juice over, sending juice flying all over himself, the floor— and all over me. When I hung up the phone I began the task of cleaning him off, wiping the sticky juice off the table and floor, and finally changing out of the now sticky sweat pants I had not been able to change out of since early that morning. While kneeling on the floor with a rag"in my hand I couldn’t help but reflect on the differences between the work my husband was doing and the work I so often did as a mother. I knew in my mind that caring for children mattered, but honestly, it was hard to see what could possibly be so important about changing diapers, wiping noses, cleaning muddy feet, and all the other hundreds of mundane chores that seemed to make up my daily life. I reflected on the bachelor’s and master’s degrees I had received and couldn’t help but wonder how after all that preparation I ended up on the floor with a rag in my hand wiping up juice spilled by a toddler. Hadn’t I been prepared to do something more significant? Something that would really make a lasting difference?"To this story I would respond with a quote from Gordon B. Hinckley
former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, he says " you never know how much good you do." I think that is for all mothers, you never know, but you are doing so much more than you know.