Communication is key

In war the first thing that the enemy does is try to cut off the other sides communication, with out communication they are easier to trap and overthrow. Because communication is the key. It is the key in war, it is the key at work, and it is the key in the family.
Because communication is so vital in a family it is blamed a lot. It can be blamed for how someone feels or for how a person acts. Now communication is important to have and it really does make family life easier, we need to realize that their is a fine line between communication going south, and our own negative thinking. Each situation that we are put in gives us a chance to communicate what is happening but it also gives us the chance to think about the situation and interpret it the way that we see it. For example if you have had a bad day or things just don't go as planned, you get upset at your significant other., so to entertain your negative feelings by thinking about all the things that they did wrong, you begin to think that they are the wort thing ever and you really don't like them. How does that affect the way you treat that person? You begin to act differently around them. Well lets think about changing that negative thinking into something positive, like saying, wow my husband went to work for us today so that we can save up money, he cares about us that much, or say he cleared his plate after dinner and helped the kids wash dishes, I'm so grateful he did that for me, you begin to find more things to be grateful about. How do you think that will help you see that person? You begin to associate them with positive things. I think that changing our thinking can benefit many parts of our lives. Improving our attitudes can be an amazing thing! Each day can get better and better. Now it doesn't mean that we are going to be 100% happy all of the time, it will only help when we get in bad situations to have a way to cope and build ourselves and others up instead of tearing them down. Cognitive thinking can be the most beautiful thing but also the ugliest. Remembering to stop and relax then think things through could stop a lot of the heart ache in the world.
Back to communication, where does communication get lost? I believe that communication gets lost when you interpret what someone says, and you interpret it your way but they don't mean it that way. When communication there are three important things that happen, out thoughts and feelings, encoding, and a medium. Our thoughts and feelings are taking what is being said and putting emotions behind it which naturally happens. The encoding is the interpreting part of communication we take what is being said and personalize it to us, but a warning with encoding, it has not value unless it can be decoded. So try to be clear and concise with your codes, use complete thoughts. The Mediums or medias consist of three things words, tone, and then nonverbal. 14% is words and what is actually being said, then 35% is the tone, i dont know about you guys but my mom always said its not what you said its how you said it. The last percentage is 51% is nonverbal.
With all of this being said i hope that we will be able to listen to others and be more open to communication and positive thinking as we train ourselves to communicate in a mature way.

Family Crisis

Sometimes Chaos happens, it does, there is no way to escape the fact that we all have chaos in our lives at one point or another. Whether or not the chaos is a result of our own choices, or the actions of others, we all have chaos in life. However there are different ways of dealing with that Chaos that makes or breaks the way we feel about things.
Cognitive thinking is everything in dramatic situations. After an event takes place we think about it, analyze it, how we analyze it is how we remember it. Thinking about things over and over again makes things become more real to us and we relive that scenario again and again. How do you think that would harm us if we are rethinking of the bad things that have happened in our lives over and over again. In different situations we have an initial reaction, then as things progress we lose that initial reaction and we are left with our thoughts. Those thoughts can be everything as we continue on with our lives the way we remember certain situations changes how we see certain things. That also changes how we act. When a family experiences something together they also tend to think about the situation the same. because we feed off of what those closest to us say and think, We persuade each other to what we believe individually.
In times of Crisis everyone has resources, how we use those resources can help or not help the situation. For example there are two families in which both of the fathers lose their job. Family A turns to their extended family, dad goes looking for a job, decides to go back to school to receive a better degree and they continue on working and hoping for the best. Family B turns inward they tell n one about the situation thinking that they can help themselves, they do not reach out to extended family, or other unemployment agency's, the father and mother don't agree on who should go back to work so neither of them do and then they are left with bankruptcy and poverty.Which of the families do you think had better coping skills, and was able to learn from the experience. I beg you to believe that Family A had better copings skills that will lead to a happier family life in the home. There is something else in Family B's situation that i would like to point out. Is that they experienced something that Family therapist call a pile up. A pile up is when one situation blocks the flow of things and everything else begins to stop, or everything just decides to show up. However with that said, a pile up can be a good thing. Think of it as a river and a tree falls into the stream but gets stuck horizontally well things begin to pile up right there in that spot, after some time algae forms, at that point in time the tree is now a good thing because it is purifying the water from upstream as it flows through the pile up, it then continues on downstream cleaner and purer. Sometimes we have things put into our lives that by the end have made us cleaner and purer human beings. Throughout every trial or situation we need to remember that love can conquer all if we show that love through support and encouragement then we are better able to listen and understand others and understand what they are going through. One of the most important things we need to remember is that as we move forward with our lives dwelling on situations will not make them go away it will make them a more prominent problem, dwelling on things that we wished we had done or hoping that we handled things differently only leads us to a state of depression because we cannot change the past, the best thing to do is move forward. To go and live without entertaining the thoughts of the past we are able to move towards the things of life that make us happy. Being with family, and fully loving those around us gives us freedom. Freedom has been fought for, ever since the beginning of time, so why would we not fight for freedom for our souls.

The Birds and the Bees

Marriage is a beautiful thing when treated properly and there are so many delicate things that happen when taken into serious consideration. Marriage is the ideal setting and situation to be intimate with your partner. you have found someone who makes you happy and you are compatible together and love each other so much that you want to share all of your experiences with that person. And you know they feel the same about you. Something that I have observed as important is nonsexual touch after marriage, holding hands during a concert, or a small kiss after a family prayer. Touches like that are almost if not as important as sexual intercourse with your spouse, these small touches tell the person that you care about them and their well being even in the midst of social settings. It proves that you are in love with them for who they are and not just for the physical aspect of it.
Men and women are different, I don't think there are many people who would disagree with that, but there are differences in sexual activity as well, and one of the most important things about these differences is to one understand that there are differences and then to communicate. Those two tips right there may save you a lot of trouble in your relationship. There are four stages or response, 1. Arousal 2. Plateau 3. Climax (orgasm) 4. Resolution both men and women have these responses, but there is a difference in times and patterns, a male may have a very fast arousal, and short plateau and then reach climax all before a female has fully reached a plateau. Since these differences are so prevalent communication is key when making sure that your partner is comfortable. Researchers have found another difference in men and women. Women need to feel safe and connected to the person before they are willing to participate in sexual activity, then a Male usually feels more connected and safe when they have had the sexual experiences, do you see the possibilities of connection in that situation? That is why communication is key, talk with your partner the things that they liked and things that they didn't like, what makes them comfortable or uncomfortable, and then be willing to adjust to their wishes but also communicate your feelings of the experience.
Even thought there are the possible challenges such as Rejection, or feeling used, intimacy could be used as a manipulation tool, and assumptions can be made, we need to remember that this is also an opportunity for many blessings as well such as communication, a chance to learn to respect each other on a new level, you learn together and you learn to cooperate. The biggest thing that we need to remember for our partners is that it is a learning experience and that when you council together there is a higher chance of being strongly connected.
Another topic that i want to discuss is that of our children, there are some states that have laws in which no matter the age when if a female child is to have sex with someone then they are automatically counted as an adult. Which would mean that they could then have an abortion, with parents consent. That is so scary to me that there are young girls out there who are not being treated the way that they should. So something that i think would help advocate change that is to teach our children about their bodies, but to teach them that they are a special thing and as such we need to respect ourselves and the others around us. We need to be active in our children's sexual education in order to help them realize their full potential to be the best husband or wife possible.

Does the Honeymoon phase end?

I have heard marriage advice given to many couples, and something that I hear that always catches me by surprise is, make sure to enjoy the honeymoon phrase while you can before its gone. This advice makes me sad because the honeymoon phase is said to be one of so much happiness and you just cant get enough of each other, why does that have to end? May I suggest  that it doesn't have to end, I know that may be something absurd, but if couples work to build their relationship then I believe that many beautiful blessings can come from marriage.
Marriage therapist throughout the United states suggest that the task within the first month of marriage is to become one. However before becoming one there is a pattern that can help you become a super couple. The pattern is as follows, Dating, Courtship,Engagement,Marriage. And within each one of those stages there are different tips to have a stronger relationship, we discussed dating last week when we talked about togetherness, time, and talk. Each are critical to a solid base of a relationship. Dating is something that should be fun, and taken lightly, discover the things that you like and things that are not necessarily your favorite and decide the qualities that you want in a future spouse, after dating you move to the courtship phase, during courtship you are dating someone seriously with an eye towards marriage, once you have dated that person and you have decided that they posses similar qualities to that of what you want the next phase is the engagement phase, during this phase you are building boundaries, boundaries between you and your fiance but also between you as a couple, and between friends and family. How much are friends going to be involved, and where does your family fit in your marriage. It is also the time in which you are planning a wedding which can put a whole new level of stress on the relationship, this is also the phase in which you want to make sure that you are accustomed to their family, maybe make sure that you understand a majority of their family traditions and then make sure that you understand how your significant others family has worked, what are the expectations of their family. Once you make it through the engagement phase you reach the top goal of marriage. Hopefully by the point of marriage you have discussed important topics with your significant other so that you make the beginning of your married life a little bit easier.
Once you get married you begin trying to mesh two very independent lives into one. The 1st month may bring up challenges that you did not anticipate, i think that the biggest thing is to remember to include each other in your feelings and be open to discussions. But also be cautious in remembering that involving outside sources may not be the best idea, for example if you go to your mother you tell her about something your new husband did but you and the husband end up resolving the issue your mother still sees her son in law as the person that did so and so. Remember that you are now a team and need to work together to create a beautiful life for yourselves. Be willing to be flexible, your spouse is learning how to be married as well. I believe that there is not really a right way, that is the beautiful thing you get to create the marriage together.

How not to get cold feet

Picture yourself looking into a mirror you are staring at yourself in a beautiful white dress, your hair is done perfectly, and you are simply glowing you turn around and show your dad, and you laugh and cry together because today is the day you go from Miss to Mrs, your dad is having a hard time letting it all happen, but as you tell him you love him he trusts that you have picked the right person to spend the rest of your life with. How did you make that decision? It is my hope that you would have gotten to know that person well enough to know how they will react and interact with you and others. When do see how they react, we see this with time while we are dating. Dating is a word that seems a little bit outdated and old fashion nowadays. If we date we have a better chance of really understanding someone, even though that is not fully a guarantee but it does help our chances the longer and more experiences we have with someone that we will be able to find out everything we need to know about that person. A lot of today's culture is full of hanging out, and people think that they know someone because they hangout all of the time, or there is the other belief that if people live together for two years before getting married that they will have a marriage that will last forever. How realistic are these two beliefs, or how successful are they really?
Let us start with the very beginning, you have to notice someone. The science of attraction is very curious, what is it about a person that just makes you want them to be large part of your life. Well there is some actually science behind this,  the first thing that we do when we meet people is we put them through filters, and if they pass all the filters then we consider them for dating. On of the filters that we see typically at the beginning of the filters is Propinquity which means nearness in place. We tend to associate with those who are in our surrounding because that is what is comfortable to us, we automatically have common ground with that person, that we can build off of. Another filter that is close to the beginning is Appearance we use this filter as one from a distance, or more commonly known as a first impression, we as humans draw conclusions and generalize others based on the way they look and the way that they hold themselves.
Once we have put people through our filters we need to get to know them, John van epp is an american author that wrote the book " how to avoid falling in love with a jerk" In this book he suggests a form of dating to help us truly know someone, he suggests Together, Talk and Time are the three most important things you can do for a relationship. Togetherness is not the act of saying "yea we are together she is my girlfriend" Togetherness is the number and variety of activities that we have been apart of together. Talk is not something that you let one person do and then the other person sits back and nods their head saying yes to everything, when talking there needs to be a mutual self disclosure where both partners are open hearted, feelings and thoughts can be openly discussed. And the last one is time, Van epp suggested that it takes a minimum of three months to know someone, because you can see them in a variety of situations by that time. The dates that we go on with our significant other can be the most finical

thing for the relationship, and so i challenge us to strive to take the time to go on an actual date, a date that is planned, paid for, paired off. And just go have fun with it.